chapter twenty‑seven

They arrived home, an hour later, to find the door to the street wide open, and the flat refurbished to give it an early‑colonial‑ransacked look. The floor was strewn with drawers, mattresses, pots and pans. The effect was one that any self‑respecting hurricane would have been proud of. Alice and Andrew stood in shocked silence and stared at the mess. They jumped at the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

"Hello, anybody home?" said Alex as he stepped into the room. "Well don't just stand there, give me hand to clear up the mess."

"You don't seem too put out by it," said Alice. "We've been robbed, haven't we?"

"Strictly speaking; no, because they didn't take anything," said Alex replacing the cushions on the sofa. "It happens every day; I don't know why they bother; they must know by now that I haven't got anything worth taking."

"Well you have now," said Andrew, proudly holding up the shopping‑bag.

"You know who it is then?" said Alice.

"I think it's the people who lived here before me. Whoever it is has a key."

"Why don't you change the lock?"

"I can't afford to; anyway it doesn't take long to tidy up, or at least it wouldn't if we all helped."

"Have you told the police?" asked Alice as she began replacing the drawers.

"I can't afford them either."

"You mean you have to bribe the police to work for you?" said Andrew. He was in the kitchen putting the saucepans back in the cupboards.

"Not bribe - pay. It's not funded by the government; the police, as such, consists of several security companies."

"But that's ridiculous. How can that possibly work?"

"It's all done on a reward basis, the worse the crime the higher the reward. For instance; say you robbed a bank, the bank would report to the department of justice who would publish details of the robbery and the amount of the reward. Depending on the size of the reward various security firms would assign X number of people to the case and offer their own reward for information leading to your arrest. Bribes are out, because you probably have five or six independent security agencies after you. Because of the rewards, you're not just up against the police; you have to hide your new-found wealth from your neighbours and friends. It brings the emphasis back to one criminal against the rest of society, rather than the clever, lovable villain versus the dumb, nasty cops."

"Sounds like an expensive method," said Andrew returning from the kitchen.

"Not at all, it's self‑funding; whatever crime you commit, no matter how petty," said Alex eyeing the shopping‑bag, "you automatically lose all of your possessions."

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?"

"What makes one crime any better or worse than another? Wrong is wrong. Surely it's better to say that, than to admit that some crimes are more acceptable than others. Also, if you have a fixed fine for a particular crime then the poor will suffer more than the rich. This way, everybody loses everything."

"But what about other types of crime? If there are no traffic policemen-"

"Police people," corrected Alice.

"How do they control speeding and stuff like that?" asked Andrew, ignoring the interruption.

"Traffic offences are easy; they just have cameras which photograph speeding cars, dangerous drivers and accidents. There isn't too much of that though. If you get caught they take away your car - and everything else for that matter, it takes a long time to save up for a new one. No, the problem lies with the small crimes, like the one which happens here every day. The reward is very small so the security companies aren't interested unless you actually pay them. But then the old style police couldn't do anything about minor break‑ins either."

"You seem to know an awful lot about it," said Alice, as she looked through the items in the shopping‑bag.

"That's because I work for one of the security companies, I work as a store‑detective in a large supermarket," said Alex gazing at Andrew.

"Ah really, not that one by any chance?" said Andrew pointing at the name on the shopping‑bag.

"Funny you should ask; it's odd that you didn't see me - I was following you all around the shop."

"Oh, why didn't you say hello?" said Andrew uncomfortably.

"It wouldn't do my promotion prospects much good to be seen talking to someone who was about to rip off a bag full of shopping, particularly since I was going to let him go."

"Very decent of you too," laughed Andrew.

"Yeah, well I wouldn't risk that trick in any other shop - it's the oldest one in the book."

"Really!" said Andrew glaring at Alice, who merely shrugged in return.

"So what have we got for dinner?" said Alex rubbing his hands together eagerly.

"Remind me not to send Andrew out shopping again," said Alice. "It seems we're having steak with pineapple and macaroni, washed down with a glass of Pernod. For breakfast we have stuffed olives and tinned custard."

"Oh rats, I didn't get Pernod, did I? I hate that stuff."

"Your hands were shaking so much I'm amazed you managed to get anything in the bag," said Fred.

"Well, it's better than spaghetti," grumbled Andrew as he took the bag into the kitchen.

While Andrew cooked, Alice recounted the day's events to Alex. Later, when they had finished eating and Andrew had decided that Pernod definitely improved with drinking, Alice brought up the subject that had been on all their minds.

"What about sex?"

"Mmmm, yes please," said Alex enthusiastically.

"No," giggled Alice, now on her fourth glass of Pernod, "I mean as a way of making money."

"Are you volunteering to walk the streets?" said Andrew with a mixture of surprise and disappointment.

"Not me, I'm too skinny," she paused and looked at the two men expectantly. "You're allowed to argue, you know!"

"Oh no you're not," chanted Andrew and Alex - pantomime style.

"Oh you're so kind, but I was thinking of you Alex; you're young with a slim attractive body."

"Have you been peeking?" asked Alex coyly.

"But look at his face!" protested Andrew.

"I try not to," said Alice, "his customers won't be interested in that either; he's got a cute ass."

"Oh you mean, men," said Andrew.

"He's not butch enough to be a gigolo."

"Just when I was beginning to think you and I could really hit it off," said Alex.

"I think it's a marvellous idea," said Andrew smugly, "Alex was saying, only last night, that he wanted to experiment along those very lines."

"If we're going to stay here, we really have to work out a way of making some money," said Alex in a more sober tone. "If we just work in normal jobs we'll be living on the poverty line for the rest of our lives, with little hope of ever achieving our goals."

"Maybe we shouldn't stay; if this is some kind of a test then presumably we should try to finish it as quickly as possible," said Alice.

"Alternatively, this could go on for ever. In which case, if we find somewhere we like, we should try to stay there," argued Alex. "At least here, we're not on anybody's hit list."

"But it's pretty grim here, isn't it?" said Alice. "Not exactly the most caring society we've come across."

"Capitalism with a capital ism," slurred Andrew reaching for the now almost-empty Pernod bottle.

"Hey, I thought you didn't like that stuff," said Alice snatching the bottle from Andrew before he could pour himself any more.

"So did I," agreed Andrew.

"So you want to stay?" said Alice pouring Alex another drink.

"I don't know. It does seem a little pointless, wandering from place to place, only staying long enough to find fault. At least, here, we know what's expected of us; our goals are worth fighting for - even if they are difficult to achieve," Alex took a sip of Pernod before continuing. "Do you think we should push on to the next place?"

"Who knows!" said Alice helplessly. "There's nothing to even hint at why all this is happening, or what we're supposed to do."

"Supposed to do," mumbled Andrew his head resting on his arms which were folded on the table. "Supposed to do!" he lifted up his head as if he had woken up - apparently sober again. "Why should we be supposed to do anything? Why can't we just do whatever we want to do? Why does someone else have to be responsible for our actions?" he ended each question by banging his clenched fist onto the table.

"That's a good point," said Alex impressed with Andrew's lucidity. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to go to bed before I throw up," said Andrew lurching from the table in the direction of the bedroom.

"Oh I don't know," said Alice, shaking her head, irritated by the insolubility of the problem. "I'm happy to stay for a while longer, if you want to."

"All right then let's review the situation in a couple of days."

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