chapter twenty‑six

The next morning Alex woke early, fixed himself a bowl of spaghetti for breakfast and rushed off to work, having practically begged the others to go out and find a job.

Andrew was standing in the kitchen wondering if he was hungry enough to eat the spaghetti he had left the day before, when Alice emerged from her bedroom.

"It's amazing how you miss the little luxuries of life," she said making loud sucking noises as she tried to remove the stale taste from her mouth.

"Do you want some re‑heated string?"

"Isn't there any fresh?"

"No, Fred finished it."

"Alex," corrected Alice.

"Yeah, he had some too."

"Alice, you're a woman of the world," said Andrew tentatively.

"I don't know about that; I've been around the track a few times, if that's what you mean."

"Do you think I'm Gay?"

Alice took his hand. "How do you feel now?"

"Um nervous ... excited, a bit feverish."

"Well," said Alice guiding his hand away from her breast again, "in my considered opinion you are, at worst, bisexual."

"Could we try that again? Just to make sure."

"You've had your cheap thrill for the day; we mustn't get you over excited - it's bad for the heart. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being Gay."

"No, I know that. It's just that I don't think I am, but for some reason, whenever Alex is around, it keeps coming up."

"Does it indeed!" laughed Alice. "Well, a cold shower will soon cure that."

"You're worse than Alex."

"Don't be insulting; you should have more respect for your partner in crime."

"Crime, what crime?"

"The crime that we will soon be committing; I'm talking about toothbrush theft for starters, followed by toothpaste, soap, towels and then, perhaps most importantly, food."

"Are you serious?" asked Andrew in alarm.

"Perfectly. Even if we both found jobs, do you think they're going to pay us in advance? We'd have to wait at least a week before we got any money."

"Yes, but what about the government? Surely they'll give us some money to live on."

"I hadn't thought of that, but it'll take you a week to fill in all the bloody forms. Besides, if my way fails, the government will feed us anyway - in jail."

"Oh great! Don't you have any morals? Didn't anyone ever tell you that stealing was wrong?"

"No, they didn't. The law doesn't say that stealing is wrong. It says that if you steal, and get caught, then you'll be fined X amount of money or locked up for X number of months. It lets you make up your own mind: how desperate you are, or how good a thief you think you are. As for my own personal scruples, I'd have to be very desperate to steal from some poor pensioner, but hardly desperate at all to steal from a large chain of supermarkets," said Alice. "Anyway don't give me this butter‑wouldn't‑melt‑in‑your‑mouth routine, you can't tell me that you've never stolen anything, or never fiddled your taxes."

"I don't claim to be pure as driven snow. As a matter of fact I did once neglect a small item of income on a particular tax return, but I suffered for it for months afterwards."

"They caught you then."

"No, but from the moment I filed the return I was scared they would; I even had nightmares about it."

"That's just because you're a lily‑livered wimp."

"I'm sure you're right. I've tried to make my liver less lily‑like but even sousing it in alcohol only helps for short periods of time; there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. My morals have always stopped me from leading the life‑style that I really wanted," said Andrew regretfully. "So, let's try it my way first."

"All right, but I'm not wasting more than the morning on it. I refuse to go another day with a bad taste in my mouth and a black stain on my backside."

"I'd rather concentrate on something to fill the space in between."

"Well, you could eat that," said Alice nodding towards the solidified spaghetti, "or shall we go?"

They emerged onto a crowded and bustling street. They followed the traffic‑jams to the centre of the town. Once there, they walked up and down the busiest streets, but could find no trace of any government buildings. After half an hour, Alice began to look eagerly at the shops they were passing and Andrew decided he would have to risk asking one of the natives. He spotted a small rotund man walking towards them.

"Excuse me," began Andrew. He had already recognized the man as Henry but could not be bothered to go through the same 'I know you and don't deny it' routine as he had with Lewis. "We're looking for the place to apply for social benefits."

"Social benefits? I'm afraid I don't get your drift old man," replied the man, clearly baffled.

"Um, the social security department." The man's face showed no signs of comprehension, so Andrew continued, "The place where you go to get money from the government."

"Money from the government! What a fantastic idea. How in heaven's name would you do that?"

"You just tell them you can't find a job and they give you some money to live on."

"I say, old man, bit early isn't it?"

"Early?" repeated Andrew.

"For the booze, old boy, a tad early for such a snoot‑full."

"Snoot‑full?" said Andrew unable to attach any meaning to the words.

"It's okay, he's on medication - pretty high dosage," said Alice, taking hold of Andrew's arm as if he needed support. "He's trying to ask you where the nearest government building is."

"Oh I see, nothing serious I hope. I thought the poor devil had been on an early morning binge," laughed the man. "It's the government you're after eh? It's just down that street over there."

"Oh good, thank you very much," said Alice.

"Not at all," said the man and ambled away down the street. Pausing just outside the door of a large department store, he turned and shouted, "I hope you're feeling better soon, Andrew, old man."

By the time Andrew had grasped the significance of that remark, the man had been swallowed up by the crowd of people milling into the store. Andrew chased after him, but after searching every floor he gave up and returned to Alice. He found her waiting with a toothbrush tucked behind one ear.

"You couldn't wait, could you? As soon as my back is turned Klepto‑Alice steps into action. What happened to our agreement?"

"You saw Henry's reaction to the idea of prying money from the government's tight little fingers, I'm certainly not going to put off cleaning my teeth until hell freezes over. Anyway, did you catch him?"

"No," said Andrew dejectedly.

"Okay, now it's your turn to get something."

"Me! You're the expert."

"Do you want to starve? What are you a man, or a mouse?"

"We've already established my inclination to live in a hole in the skirting‑board."

"Come on, fair's fair; we should share the risk."

"But I don't know how. When I went to school Petty Larceny was an optional course, I did needlecraft instead."

"All right, we'll work as a team. Let's start with an easy one. See that chemist shop?"

Andrew nodded.

"See how the shelves are all lined up so that the people at the cash‑registers can see down each aisle. I'll go in first. Give me a few minutes to find the toothpaste section, then you come in, pick up some toothpaste, put it in your pocket and then casually walk out ‑ stop and look at the after‑shave or something on the way. Don't look at the staff. I'll make sure I'm blocking their view of you. All you have to do is check that no one walking into the shop sees you. Have you got it?"

"Yeah, but look, it's still morning, let's wait until the afternoon like we planned."

"We've got to do it now, before you lose what little nerve you have. Don't forget; just act naturally and don't rush."

Before Andrew could formulate any more objections; Alice had left him and was crossing the street towards the chemist shop.

Andrew paced nervously up and down the pavement outside the shop. Realizing how suspicious it looked, he stopped and stared with feigned interest into another shop window. After a couple of tense minutes he moved away from the window, only then noticing that the shop he had been regarding so avidly had been that of an undertaker. He walked over to the chemist's, pushed open the door and stepped inside.

He spotted Alice standing half‑way down an aisle to his right; she was reading the instructions on a packet of hair‑dye. He walked towards her with his head down as if surveying the contents of the shelves. He spent a few moments trying to decide which toothpaste to take. He glanced towards the door, there was no one there, he bent down to reach for a box of toothpaste, as his fingers touched the box there was a flicker of movement to his right. His hand froze and he swung his head around to see a young man standing beside him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," said the man.

"Oh, I didn't know you were there; you made me jump."

"I couldn't help noticing you looked a little worried; I thought maybe you needed some help."

"Uh yes, I was um, I was looking for some toothpaste."

"Well you're in the right section. As you can see, we have a lot to choose from. Which one would you like?"

"Actually I was looking for one without sugar."

"Sugar? I don't think they put sugar in any of them; it would rather defeat the object, wouldn't it?"

"But they all taste sweet, don't they?" Andrew picked up a box and examined it. "Aren't they supposed to put the ingredients on these things?"

"They only have to do that for edible products."

"But everyone eats toothpaste, it's impossible not to."

"Yes I suppose you're right. Shall I wrap that for you?" asked the man, anxious to escape the conversation.

"Uh no thanks, I think I'll try somewhere else." Andrew turned and hurried out of the shop. Alice was waiting for him outside; she was holding a box of toothpaste and some hair‑dye.

"How did you like that?" said Andrew, hastily recovering his composure. "The way I cleverly kept his attention while you got those."

"Hah, you were petrified; you were babbling like an idiot. Sugar in toothpaste!"

"It has got sugar in. Ask Alex if you don't believe me," insisted Andrew.

"How the hell would he know?"

"You know Alex; he knows everything, and what he doesn't know he makes up a very plausible lie about."

"Yes, that's true. Anyway, we must get some food and the first thing we need is a shopping‑bag. Wait here." Alice walked into a large supermarket. She returned five minutes later carrying a brightly coloured plastic bag with the name of the supermarket plastered across it.

"How did you get that?"

"I took back the hair‑dye and swapped it for some bread and cheese."

"But you stole the dye from the chemist."

"I just took off the price tag and told them that a friend had bought it as a gift but I already had some. The staff in large supermarkets don't care. It's not their money they're giving out, and they're all trained to be helpful and courteous," she explained. "So now we have a bag, and now it's up to you to bring home the bacon."

"Me again, eh?"

"Again! You haven't done anything yet, but this time you're going to make up for it. Here, take the bag, I'll keep the bread and cheese. Now this is really easy. Just go into the supermarket and start filling the bag, get some meat and vegetables, oh and some wine or whisky if they've got it. Make a big fuss, ask the assistants for help in choosing the things, then join the longest line at the check‑outs. It's lunch‑time now so there should be a lot of people in there. Wait in the queue for as long as you can, then, just before it's your turn, act like you've forgotten something, go back down the aisle do a U‑turn and walk straight back out of the shop. That way if there's a store‑detective following you they'll give up when they see you in the queue or they'll get bored waiting for you to go through."

"But what if I walk past the detective on the way out?"

"If it was fool proof - everyone would do it. You have to take a few risks."

"I wish I hadn't asked."

"Off you go; I'll wait at the end of the street."

"You certainly have a way of inspiring confidence."

Alice waited until Andrew had entered the shop, and then began to walk slowly down the street. She paused outside a jewellery shop, shook her head and walked on. She stood calmly at the end of the street searching the passing crowd for Andrew. As time wore on, she became uneasy and considered the idea of going back to find him. Then she saw him; he was running towards her, zigzagging through the crowd, swinging the full shopping‑bag wildly to and fro. She craned her neck to see who was following him, and prepared herself to trip up his pursuer.

"I did it!" said Andrew breathlessly as he came to a halt beside Alice.

"Why were you running like that?"

"Well it's hard to run with a heavy shopping‑bag."

"No, I mean, why were you running at all?"

"I couldn't help it. I stepped out of the shop and suddenly I was running for my life - a perfectly natural reaction under the circumstances."

"You don't think it might have been construed as rather incriminating behaviour?"

"That's the beauty of it; no thief would ever be stupid enough to run off like that."

"Yeah, well you said it," said Alice shaking her head in disbelief.

"So what's next?"

"Flushed with confidence, are we? Well there's a small bank across the road."

"Okay, what's the plan?"

"I hope you're kidding. Come on, let's go home and inspect the swag."

"Nice idea, but we can't; Alex didn't leave us a key. He said he worked ten hours a day so he won't be home till at least six o'clock."

"All right then; let's find a park and sit in the sun for a while."

They asked a passer‑by for directions and, after a brisk twenty minute walk, they arrived at a small park. It was quite a distance from the centre of the town and situated in the middle of a run‑down industrial area. The park was surrounded by a tall wire fence and had only one entrance. Beside the gate was a sign which displayed the hourly rates for use of the park; it also pointed out that the park could be hired for special events such as parties and weddings. There was a man by the gate; he was leaning against the fence and reading a book.

"Um, excuse me," said Andrew. "Can you tell me where the nearest free park is?"

"This one's free; you'll probably have it to yourself for at least an hour," replied the man peering at them through the fence.

"No, I mean free as in no charge."

The man smiled. "Where are you two from? Or is this some kind of a prank?" His eyes scanned the street as if in search of the hidden television‑cameras.

"No, we're new in town."

"Sounds like you're new on this planet; there aren't any free parks."

"Doesn't the council have any?"

"What would the council want with a park? All the parks were privatized years ago. Of course, there aren't many left now. I would have built on this one if I could have raised the capital."

"We'll go in if you let us pay half price," said Alice.

The man looked at her as if she had just announced that she was Napoleon in drag.

"You said yourself there's no one in there. Surely some profit is better than none at all," argued Alice.

"Yeah, but if I let you in cheap, everyone will start haggling with me."

"But we're from out of town, we won't tell anyone. Look, this is all the money we have." She held out her hand which contained a few small coins.

"Oh, all right then. Consider it a special trial offer, but I swear I won't do it again. Next time you pay full price, like everyone else."

"Okay, thanks," Alice handed the coins to the man and stepped through the gate, followed by Andrew.

The park was very small, around the perimeter were thick rhododendron bushes which obscured the surrounding buildings. In the centre was a circular flower‑bed, the rest of the area was grass, dotted with a few trees. There were benches at regular intervals around the edge of the lawn, but Alice ignored these and sat on the grass in the shade of one of the larger trees. Andrew leant the shopping‑bag against the base of the tree and stretched out on the ground beside Alice.

"Have you been pick‑pocketing too?"

"No, that was left over from the refund on the hair‑dye."

"We should really be looking for some work, instead of squandering our hard‑stolen cash lying in the sun."

"Relax, we can do that tomorrow, or the day after."

"We could always become professional thieves."

"This town's too small. After a week, all the shops would know us. Anyway, what happened to your moral superiority?"

"As you said, we're not harming any individuals, just big fat corporations."

"Actually, I lied about that; the companies don't suffer, they just pass on their losses to the customers in the form of higher prices, so really we are stealing from the people."

"Oh great! That's done my conscience a power of good."

"Yeah, well, we needed the food."

For a while, they lay dozing in the warmth of the afternoon sun.

Alice rolled over onto her front and supported her head with her hands, her bony elbows sticking into the grass. "What do you think of Alex?" she asked as she studied Andrew's face.

"Um I don't know, in what respect?"

"He's different from us, isn't he? He changes and we don't. He didn't go through the orange room, and he always arrives before us."

"You think he might be a part of whatever is going on?"

"Well, hasn't the thought ever occurred to you?"

"Yes, especially when he was the Adviser, but I'm not so sure now. I think he's too independent to be controlling us, or even watching us. Back at the commune, he suggested that if I didn't like it there I should go on without him. I don't really know what it is, but something about his personality makes me trust him, or at least not doubt him."

"You're two very different characters, I guess you make a good combination; you complement each other."

"How can you say that; he never compliments me," laughed Andrew.

"You know what I mean."

"I suppose you're right; we both have our own faults, but somehow, together, we manage to bungle our way through. But now, with you on the team, we'll be invincible."

"Yeah, it's a great team; I just wish someone would tell us what game we were supposed to be playing."

"And how many points we'd scored."

"Still," sighed Alice, "it's exciting isn't it; you never know what's going to happen next."

"No, that's true, but it's a fair bet whatever it is - it won't be good."

"Oh, I don't know, you met me didn't you?"

"Yeah and look what happened; you turned me into a petty thief."

"Well with practice, who knows? Maybe one day you'll be a fully fledged gangster."

"But seriously, I am very glad to have you around, and if-" Andrew was interrupted by the man shouting from the gate.

"Hey, your time is up. There's a biology field trip due here any minute."

"Come on, let's go before we're swamped with screaming kids," said Andrew as he stood up.

"What were you about to say?"

"Oh, nothing."

Alice stood up and dusted off her clothes. "What shall we do now?"

"Let's go home, maybe Alex will be off early today."

They walked back at a much more leisurely pace, which gave them time to observe their new home‑town more closely. There seemed to be hundreds of shops of all shapes and sizes, their windows ablaze with fluorescent signs proclaiming things like 'Opening Sale', 'Closing Down Sale', 'Biggest Sale Ever', 'Cheapest Prices in Town', 'They're Lying, We've got the Cheapest Prices in Town'. One sign caught Andrew's attention; it was painted on a door which was squeezed between two shoe shops, it read:

Short Of Cash?

Capitalize your most natural asset.

Don't let the crematorium send your money up in smoke.

Cash now die later.

That's right; we will pay you now for the right to use your body when, and only when, you've finished with it.

Step inside for a free no‑obligation quote.

We also have a seasonal requirement for fresh blood - best rates offered.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Andrew.

"In for a penny in for a pound - of flesh. It'll be worth going in just to find out what the best season is for blood."

Andrew pushed open the door. There was a short passage with a flight of stairs at the end. On the wall was a sign which said: "The Body Shop - First Floor - Please Come Up."

The office was small but stylishly furnished with leather chairs and an oak-panelled desk. Sitting behind the desk was the unmistakable bulk of Janet or Olive or, according to the badge which she wore on the left‑hand side of her titanic bosom, Ms Quin.

As Alice and Andrew stepped into the room, she rose with some difficulty to her feet.

"Good afternoon. My name is Ms Quin, welcome to the Body Shop." Her eyes showed no hint of recognition.

"Oh, sorry," said Andrew hastily, not wishing to spend any more time than he had to with his erstwhile wife. "Wrong office."

"No, it isn't," Alice grabbed his arm before he could leave. "He's a little squeamish about discussing his death," she explained to Ms Quin.

"Oh, there's nothing to worry about; it happens to the best of us, sooner or later. Please sit down." When they had all sat down she continued, "Now then, are you buying or selling?"

"We just came in for a quote, just to find out what our bodies might be worth."

"Ah yes, I understand. I'll ask you a few questions first, then, if you decide to take us up on the offer, you'll need a full medical examination. Naturally, the final sum will depend upon the results of the medical, but I should be able to give you a rough idea of your value beforehand."

"That's fine," said Alice.

"Could you tell me what major diseases you've suffered from and which limbs you've broken?"

"No major illnesses, but I've broken both arms, my left leg and my nose," said Alice.

Ms Quin ticked several boxes on the form in front of her and then looked up at Andrew. "And you, Sir?"

"I'm afraid I can't beat that, just one broken leg - unless you count this?" said Andrew holding up his finger.

"What's wrong with it?" said Ms Quin regarding the perfectly healthy finger.

"It's bro- ... oh that's odd, when did that happen?" said Andrew flexing his splint‑free finger.

"Yes, well," said Ms Quin slightly perplexed. "It doesn't matter because digits don't count."

"Oh, very good," laughed Alice.

"What?" said Ms Quin growing more perplexed.

"The pun."

"Pun? No, never mind," Ms Quin knew where to draw the line. You can take just so much perplexity but after that it becomes unhealthy, and she was damned if she was going to let a finger, broken or otherwise, give her an ulcer. She took a deep breath and cleared her head of the confusion. "Now, what about suicidal tendencies? Do you smoke, take hallucinogenic drugs, indulge in anal intercourse, hang‑glide, live near a nuclear power station, or ride a bicycle?"

"Not recently," said Alice.

"No," said Andrew wondering exactly what it was that Alice had not done recently.

"Are you familiar with the terms of our contract?"

"No."

"Well, it's fairly straightforward. There are just a couple of things which I should point out. The first is that you have to wear one of these." She held up her arm to show what looked like a watch worn on the inside of her wrist. "Once it is fitted it can never be removed; it comes in a variety of colours and is water‑proof down to five‑hundred metres; it also has a built-in watch."

"But it isn't a watch?" said Andrew frowning.

"No it's a transmitter which is activated when your pulse stops. That way we can find you before too many of the organs are damaged. The other clause concerns suicide; if you decide that life isn't worth living any more, and, Lord knows, haven't we all felt like that at some time or other, then you must gas yourself in one of the official Body Shop ovens. These are situated at convenient locations throughout the town. You are not allowed to blow your brains out with a gun, or use any other means which may vandalize what is essentially our property."

"What's the punishment for doing that?" asked Andrew.

Ms Quin ignored the cynical question, and continued, "We do have a special offer running at the moment where we offer you a two-for-one deal. That means, if you sign the contract, instead of cash we will provide free accident treatment. For instance, if you lose both arms we will give you one replacement - the same for eyes, ears, legs, lungs, et cetera, et cetera."

"What about the single organs? What if I've got a bad heart?" asked Andrew.

"Well, we have to make a profit, now, don't we?" said Ms Quin patronizingly.

"What about the cash?" asked Alice.

"Well I can offer you four hundred Credits each."

"But she's got more broken bones than me," objected Andrew.

"Yes, but she's got a womb - a very profitable item. Of course, if she's lucky, it won't be any good to us by the time she dies."

"So you'll just have to hope I get run over by a truck before I reach the menopause," said Alice, irritated by Ms Quin's callous attitude.

"Not a truck. There wouldn't be much left of you after that, would there?" said Ms Quin laughing. "No, we usually hope for chronic depression. That way, clients get to use our suicide facilities, and so we get the bodies in mint condition."

"Charming!" said Alice.

"It's nothing personal, you understand, I was speaking purely from a business point of view."

"How much is four hundred Credits worth? We're new in town," said Andrew.

"Um, let me see, you could rent a cheap flat for a week, you could buy about a hundred and fifty chocolate Easter eggs," Ms Quin's eyes twinkled merrily at the prospect. "Eight hundred would get you a second‑hand colour‑television or a meal in a good restaurant. You know, that kind of level."

"Is that all?" said Andrew astonished.

"I'm afraid so, we have a lot of overheads to cover, and there's no guarantee that we'll even recoup our initial investment. If you live into your seventies, there isn't much of any value left; most of it is worn out and only good for dog food."

"Dog food!" exclaimed Andrew.

"That's right, Sir, we pride ourselves on putting every tender morsel of your body to good use."

"When can we have the medical?" asked Alice, unperturbed about going to the dogs when she died.

"Right now if you have the time, it will take about an hour, and then it'll be twenty‑four hours before we get the results back."

"Okay, let's go," said Alice she turned to Andrew who was looking very reticent. "Come on, we need the money."

The medical examination involved being poked and prodded in a manner which, had the protagonist not claimed to be a qualified doctor, would normally have resulted in a conviction for sexual‑assault. This was followed by a sharp stab in the finger and a liberal dose of x‑rays. Despite a determined effort, and the trial of various recommended techniques, Andrew was unable to even moisten the urine‑sample bottle.

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