chapter twelve

The hotel reception was no less ostentatious than the outside of the building. The marble floor was littered with leather chairs, potted plants, and thick Persian rugs. At one end, standing behind an oak-panelled reception desk, was an attractive young woman.

"Hello, you must be Mr Smith," she said smiling brightly.

"Yes that's right," said Andrew returning the smile, and trying to add to it the hint that he would not be seriously distressed if she wanted to drag him off to bed. His efforts were wasted, she was regarding Fred with obvious misgivings.

"Oh dear, I don't know what we're going to do about that," she said nodding at the parrot.

"It's perfectly all right, he's house trained," explained Andrew.

"Really? Well I wouldn't like to live in your house," she said.

Andrew looked at his shoulder and was disgusted to see an off‑white stain running down his lapel. "Oh charming, thank you very much," he growled at the bird. The bird lifted one wing and put his head under it.

"Oh he is cute though, isn't he?" said the girl, delighted by the trick. "I suppose you could keep him on the balcony, but please don't tell the manager that I okayed it."

"Good, thank you. If anyone asks I'll say I smuggled him in under my jacket."

"Fine, now if you'd like to go up to your suite, it's number two on the first floor, I believe He will be phoning you very shortly."

"He?"

"God."

"Oh you mean Graham," said Andrew laughing. "Yes, he is a bit Holier than thou isn't he?"

"No, Graham is your temporary butler. He's assigned to you for the duration of your stay. The God will be calling you, in three minutes," she said glancing at her watch.

"Oh yeah, sure, of course. Well I'd better hurry then, wouldn't want to miss that," said Andrew trying to humour her.

"It's a shame isn't it?" muttered Andrew to the bird, as he stood in the lift. "She seemed so nice and yet she turns out to be missing a few of her more important marbles."

"Sorry about crapping on you like that," said Fred apologetically, "I don't have any control over it, must be an automatic function for parrots."

"Well, okay, if you really can't help it, I'll just have to get used to it."

"You can always get your Temporary Butler to clean it up for you, that would take some of the starch out of his collar."

"I like him, at least he shows me some respect. You wouldn't catch him shitting on my suit," laughed Andrew.

Andrew walked in to his suite and was genuinely impressed. It was huge, lavishly furnished, and detailed with extravagant fittings.

Graham was standing by the door, holding a silver tray which in turn held a large crystal tumbler. "Your gin and tonic, Sir," he said holding the tray out. "Unless Sir would rather wait until after his telephone call."

"No, I'll take it now if you don't mind," said Andrew snatching at the glass as if it were about to disappear.

"I quite agree Sir, I am always much happier conversing with the Almighty when I have a drink in my hand. However, some people are of the opinion that it is a sign of disrespect."

"Friendly with the receptionist are we?"

"Certainly not Sir, at least no more than my job requires. I'm not entirely confident that I understand to what Sir is alluding," said Graham, a glimmer of indignation penetrating his normally impassive manner of speech.

"I meant-" began Andrew, but he was stopped by the sound of the telephone.

Graham walked swiftly across the room and lifted the receiver to his ear. "Yes I'll just put him on for you Sir." He held his hand over the mouth piece and said to Andrew, "it's Him Sir."

Andrew limped over to the phone and took the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hello Andrew, how are you settling in?" said the voice on the phone.

"Oh fine, fine."

"Like the room?"

"Yes it's very nice. Um ... excuse me but who am I talking to?" said Andrew trying not to sound too impolite.

"Didn't your butler tell you? It's God here."

"Oh yes," said Andrew making faces designed to signify to Fred that there was a certifiable nutter on the line. In fact Fred was given the impression that Andrew was having a mild epileptic fit.

"Do I detect a certain scepticism in your voice?" asked God.

"Well, to be honest, yes."

"How about a small miracle, just to convince you?"

"Yes that would do it," said Andrew grinning.

"That broken leg of yours?"

"Yes," said Andrew and promptly fell over. Up until that moment he had been standing with his weight resting on the plaster cast. The cast had, in that instant, somehow ceased to exist. His leg - unaware of any imminent plans for it to support the body ‑ gave way. Other effects of the miracle included Graham being doused in gin and tonic, and Fred being flung into a fruit bowl.

"Impressed?" asked the voice from the now-dangling receiver.

Andrew scrambled to his feet and retrieved the hand‑set. "Uh yes, it was very good, God, Sir," he said wondering what the correct form of address was.

"Nothing like a bit of healing, that's what I always say."

"Nothing," said Andrew in agreement.

"Well look, I'll tell you what; I'll let you make yourself at home, your butler can explain how things work here, and I'll give you a call at the same time tomorrow. Is that okay?"

"That's fine, perfect, excellent plan, thank you."

"Bye bye then," said God.

"Yes, thank you for calling, it's been an honour, thank you so much, um ... goodbye," said Andrew in awe.

"Would Sir like another drink?" asked Graham as he finished mopping his suit with a handkerchief.

"Yes please," said Andrew in a daze.

Graham left the room, picking up the silver tray on his way out.

"Who the hell was that?" squawked a voice from the fruit bowl.

"It was God!" said Andrew still overwhelmed by the idea.

"God phoned you up for a chat, did he?" asked Fred sarcastically.

"Yes He wanted to know if I liked the hotel," said Andrew as if in a trance, "and then He fixed my leg."

"Look Andrew, just pull yourself together. Do you really think if God wanted to speak to you he would pick up a phone and give you a call."

"It was Him," said Andrew with conviction. "He fixed my leg."

"Yeah okay, okay, he fixed your leg," said Fred and then added more thoughtfully, "he did though, didn't he?"

Graham returned with another drink, which Andrew grabbed eagerly.

"Graham," began Andrew, "let me introduce you to Fred."

Graham's eyes roved about the room, then returned to Andrew questioningly.

"The parrot," said Andrew nodding towards the fruit bowl.

"Ah yes Sir, a most unusual pet - if I might say so," said Graham, not terribly impressed.

"He certainly is, though I don't think you should refer to him as a pet. He and I are partners, so I would be grateful if you treated him with the same respect as you do me."

"Sir is jesting of course?" said Graham hesitantly.

"No not at all, you see Fred is no ordinary parrot, he's actually very intelligent, he used to be my Adviser - until I threw him at the Assassin. But that was when he was a black ball stuck on my shoulder," explained Andrew.

"Oh I see. Perhaps Sir would like to sit down and rest for a while, it's not uncommon for one to be a little unsettled after one's first conversation with the Creator."

"Yes I suppose I am. But I'm serious about the parrot," said Andrew and turned to Fred. "You tell him Fred."

"Squawk" said Fred.

"Oh very funny," said Andrew, not at all amused, "now don't mess about."

The parrot ignored him and just continued to tilt its head from side to side alternately opening and closing each eye.

"All right," said Andrew in a resigned voice, "let's forget the parrot. God said that you would fill me in on a few things."

"May I suggest that Sir reads this," said Graham pulling a large yellow envelope from the inside of his jacket, "then I will be happy to clarify any points which are not self‑evident."

"Okay," said Andrew taking the envelope. His name had been typed on the front. He tore it open, inside was a typed sheet of white paper and a small glossy brochure. Andrew looked up at the sound of a loud angry squawk.

The parrot having fallen off the fruit bowl, struggled to its feet and began walking along the sideboard towards Andrew.

"There, you see! He wants to read it too," said Andrew, as if the bird's action proved that it was a fully paid‑up member of MENSA.

"It is, indeed, a most remarkable creature," said Graham without conviction.

Andrew picked up the parrot, placed it on his shoulder and began to read the brochure.

The front cover was a stylized picture of the sky - a light blue background with small fluffy white clouds - in large golden letters it said 'HEAVEN IS WAITING FOR YOU.' The next page read:

life's a bitch - and then you die

Ever get the feeling that your life is pointless, that the world is a cruel and harsh place with no room for justice or compassion?

Do people let you down, betray your trust, lie to you, or even try to cheat you?

Do you ever feel that your hard work, good deeds, and talents have gone unnoticed?

Would you like to have more money, a new car, a nicer house and longer holidays?

WELL, WE HAVE THE SOLUTION!

On the next page it continued:

ETERNAL BLISS

It's TRUE, eternal bliss is waiting for you and all your family.

The end of all your problems and the beginning of a new life of fulfilment and joy is just around the corner.

Can you imagine what it's like to know, without any shadow of a doubt, that you have done the right thing?

Imagine how reassuring it is to know that everything that happens around you is part of a Master‑Plan. And that this Master‑Plan is working for the good of all mankind.

WE CAN GIVE YOU ALL THIS AND MUCH MORE!

The next page was written in an aggressive red colour:

the alternative is hell

You may think your life is tough now, but it's nothing compared with the torment which awaits you in the burning fires of Hell.

Hell is an eternity of excruciating torture, hideous terror, and appalling grief.

Hell is a place where, every day, you would be forced to perform gruesome acts of mutilation on members of your family and small, defenceless, furry animals.

No words or pictures can fully describe the truly abhorrent nature of Hell, indeed it is worse than you could ever imagine.

BUT WE CAN SAVE YOU FROM HELL!

Heaven on earth

Our ultimate benefits are obvious - perpetual bliss in heaven - but we can also help you now, here on earth.

Daily conversations with the Lord God Almighty (LGA) will ensure that you don't stray from the righteous path to heaven.

The LGA will critically review your day's activities, with emphasis on any sins you may have committed.

The LGA will also help to solve your problems, suggest ways of improving your life, and provide the occasional tip on the stock market.

To help you plot your 'Stairway to Heaven' we have devised a handy index which shows instantly how well you're doing. This index is fully explained on page 47 of our publication; 'The Even Better News Bible.' This book is given to you completely free of charge at the time of your enrolment.

You'll be amazed at how useful the LGA really is, within a week you'll wonder how you ever managed without Him. And don't forget the LGA is guaranteed to be omnipotent, omnipresent and, of course, omniscient.

So don't miss the (omni) bus - enrol today and take your first step to heaven‑on‑earth and your first giant leap to the afterlife.

HEAVEN IS JUST A SIGNATURE AWAY!

The last page had the words:

HEAVEN CAN'T WAIT.

DON'T LET PROCRASTINATION STEAL YOUR RIGHT TO IMMORTALITY - SIGN NOW.

Then at the bottom of the page in much smaller script:

^{Terms and Conditions:}

^{1) The customer agrees to donate 10 % of their annual pre‑tax income, every year until their death, to Heaven Helps Us Limited.}

^{2) Entrance to heaven is only guaranteed if the customer achieves the required 'Stairway to Heaven Index' stated on his or her contract.}

^{3) The company reserves the right to refuse enrolment to any person or persons it considers unsuitable.}

^{4) This offer is not open to any current or previous employees of Devil May Care Enterprises Limited or associated subsidiary.}

"Wow," said Andrew, "it's very commercial isn't it?"

"A necessary evil, I'm afraid, Sir," began Graham. "There was a time when the Almighty operated on a much lower key, but alas His following was small. People were far too sceptical to believe that they could get to heaven just by going to church on Sundays and generally being nice to other people. Now, because they have to sign a contract and actually pay for it, the whole thing becomes real to them. They know God exists because every day, just after tea, he phones them up."

"Hmm, well ... I suppose it makes sense. It's always nice to see things in black and white - signed, sealed and delivered from evil," said Andrew thoughtfully as he unfolded the white contract sheet.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations ANDREW SMITH         you have been selected, from millions of other applicants, to qualify for our special 'Valued Customer' offer. This means that you, ANDREW SMITH        , are entitled to a reduction of 10% (yes, a full ten percent) in your 'Stairway to Heaven Index'. Unfortunately due to the nature of this wonderful offer you will only be eligible if you sign within 24 hours of receipt of this contract. The 'Stairway to Heaven Index' (STHI) is a measure of the number and quality of 'Good Deeds' that must be performed to earn a place in Heaven, so a reduction of 10% represents a considerable lapse in your good behaviour. In real terms this 10% represents 5 acts of adultery or 75 separate cases of blasphemy.

 Your personal STHI, as determined by our computers, is   5,645 which includes the 10% reduction. Please note that this value is not negotiable.

So what are you waiting for? Sign this contract now, and begin your life of happiness.

I, ANDREW SMITH     agree to abide by the terms and conditions set forth in the 'Heaven Is Waiting For You' brochure, and that upon my death my eternal soul shall become the property of the Lord God Almighty.

               Signed ...................  Dated   /  / 

               Witnessed ................  Dated   /  / 

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Would Sir care for a pen?" asked Graham, once Andrew had finished reading.

"Well there's no rush is there? I've still got twenty four hours to think it over," said Andrew cautiously.

"Quite so Sir, very shrewd if I might say so. Will Sir be needing anything further?"

"No, I don't think so thanks."

"Very well then Sir, I will be next door if Sir requires my services," said Graham as he left the room.

Andrew turned to glare at the parrot perched on his shoulder. "Thanks very much! You made me look a real pratt."

"Call me paranoid, if you like but-" began Fred.

"You mean parrotnoid," interrupted Andrew grinning, still drunk on the thrill of talking to God.

"But," continued Fred ignoring Andrew's ranting, "until we find out what is going on I think it's best if my true identity is kept secret."

"Yeah, but what is your true identity?"

"I don't know, but I'm certainly not cut out to be a parrot," said Fred, he had one eye closed and his head tilted to look, with his open eye, at Andrew.

"You seem to have mastered the parrot mannerisms; all that head cocking and blinking looks very realistic," complemented Andrew.

"It has clearly escaped your attention that I have one eye on each side of my head, and that they look in opposite directions. If I use both at once it's like watching two television programmes superimposed on the same screen. And if I want to look forwards I have to twist my neck around by ninety degrees. I can't understand why parrots have not become extinct simply by flying head‑first into trees."

"I guess they're used to it. Did you manage to read the brochure?" said Andrew trying to change the subject from Fred's problems to his own.

"Most of it. Pretty tacky stuff - advertising at its worst."

"Yes but isn't it a relief to know that God exists and more importantly that there is life after death. I can hardly believe it, it makes life so much easier. It's as if someone has just removed a two thousand ton weight which has been hanging over my head. I feel happier already and I haven't even signed the contract yet. Who would have thought that I would Find Jesus," said Andrew euphorically.

"There was no mention of him. He's probably an optional extra, or maybe he comes in the deluxe package along with the Holy Ghost and the Virgin Mary. Or they could have been bought‑out in a corporate take‑over."

"Don't be so cynical. Graham explained the new‑look image," chided Andrew. "I must say I like the idea of this index thing. It's fair without being totally restrictive. I can remember one religion, though I can't remember the name, where you could get to heaven simply by renouncing all your sins on your death bed. I think some kind of official had to be around to actually absolve you - but it's still too easy. This new method means you have to work at it every day, and I suppose if you had a bad day, and murdered your wife in a fit of pique, you could always make up the points by helping a couple of hundred grannies across the road."

"I think, before you talk yourself into it any further, you should see what the competition has to offer. I, for one, would like to know how parrots fit into the scheme of things."

"Parrots? Oh yes of course. I would imagine that parrots, not being subject to original sin, automatically qualify for entry to heaven. Or perhaps you have your own bird‑sanctuary in the sky."

"I'm sure that would be delightful," said Fred still being cynical.

"Well don't worry about it, I'll ask God the next time He calls. By competition I presume you mean Devil May Care Enterprises?" said Andrew reading the name from the brochure.

"Yes, I have a feeling that you have their card in your pocket."

"Oh, the exotic pleasures, eh?" said Andrew, pulling the card from his pocket.

It read:

your wildest fantasy fulfilled

satisfaction guaranteed

Call in at our show room, on the north side of the island, for an absolutely  free - no obligation - quote.

Devil May Care Enterprises Limited.

"Shall we both go, or would you rather stay here and practise flying or something?" asked Andrew.

"You're not embarrassed about walking around with a parrot on your shoulder, are you?" accused Fred.

"No, not at all," lied Andrew.

"Good, then we'll both go."

"Fine, first thing tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Tonight; I'm going to have the finest meal this hotel can produce, I'm going to drink a bottle of their finest wine, smoke one of their finest cigars and spend the rest of the evening trying to persuade the receptionist to sleep with me."

"You sound more like a man on the eve of his execution than one about to enter a heaven-on-earth."

"I just want to get in as much sinning as possible before the clock starts running," explained Andrew.

"And what am I supposed to do?"

"I'll send you up some seeds and nuts. You can spend the evening figuring out what the hell happened back in Newtown."

"Why me?"

"You spent your whole life back there, I was only there for a few days."

"But I don't remember anything before the day I was fitted to your shoulder."

"No," said Andrew with a frown, "nor do I."

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