chapter thirty‑nine

He awoke to the sound of a high pitched hiss and a low pitched hum, it was the kind of sound normally associated with low quality air‑conditioning or nervous breathing. He opened his eyes, then tried again, he could feel them open but still couldn't see anything. He raised his hand to his face, but couldn't see it, though there was a small flash of light when he poked himself in the eye. Either he had gone blind or he was somewhere very dark - very dark indeed.

Another thing which struck him as odd was the sensation that he was wrapped up in a bag, he could feel material all around him, the material, some kind of heavy cloth, allowed small movements but prevented him from fully extending his arms and legs. Despite this he tried to do it frantically for several minutes until at last, exhausted and frustrated, he managed to control his panic.

His screams for help, Alex, Alice and his mother had gone unanswered; he had even tried calling for himself.

To add to his discomfort his stomach was suffering from a peculiar plummeting sensation.

Having regained some of his reasoning power he began to feel his way around the bag and within seconds located a seam running vertically beside his left shoulder. He traced the seam to the top of the bag where he discovered a metal tag - it was a zip. In his excitement he pulled the tag much harder than was actually required. The zip moved freely down the length of the bag, Andrew tumbled out into a well lit room and onto Alice who happened to be lying on the floor.

"Oooof," was all she could manage as a greeting since all of the wind had been knocked out of her.

Andrew lay, in relative comfort, waiting for his eyes to adapt to the bright light.

"Get off me!" groaned a muffled voice from beneath him.

"Oh yes, sorry." Andrew rolled over onto his feet. "What are you doing down there, anyway?"

"The same thing as you, I fell out of that bag." Alice dragged herself to her feet.

"Hey, nice outfit," said Andrew referring to the bright blue leotard which she wore, but more especially to the fact that her left breast hung out of a hole in the front.

"Oooh," said Alice trying to pop the breast back inside the garment.

"I think it's designed that way, look at this," said Andrew turning around. He wore a similar leotard only red, his hole was larger and positioned at the rear so that his left buttock was completely exposed.

Alice gave up trying to hide her breast and devoted her attention to laughing at Andrew.

"I don't know what you're laughing at, you look just as ridiculous as me," said Andrew tetchily.

"I don't think so, this could be put down to high fashion but that ... that's just obscene!"

"Well you don't have to look at it."

"And you don't have to look at me either, get your eyes off - you lecherous old goat."

"Sorry, but it's hard to ignore, I expect I'll get used to it ... eventually."

"I hope so, I don't want you drooling the whole time we're here. Where is here, anyway?"

"Looks like a ship," said Andrew as they both studied the room.

The room was small, next to one wall were the two black bags from which they had fallen, the bags were suspended from the ceiling by wires, along the opposite wall was a row of tall lockers. The walls floor and ceiling all had the same 'painted metal' appearance which had given Andrew the impression of a ship. There was a door set into one wall but it had no hinges and no handle.

"I can't feel any motion."

"Well we may be tied up in harbour or something."

"Let's take a l-"

The door slid quickly to one side with a slight hiss, a small box on wheels rolled into the room. It rolled towards them and began making a loud sucking noise.

"Get away from me!" screamed Andrew and kicked the box.

The box spun across the room and hit the wall, the sucking noise stopped, the wheels turned and it sped back out of the room. The door hissed shut again.

"What the hell was that?" said Alice.

"No idea, I hope it wasn't Alex."

"Alex?"

"Yeah, I told you he had a habit of cropping up in strange disguises, still, I suppose if it was him he would have said something."

"Something like ouch, you mean?"

"I couldn't help kicking it; it was coming straight for me."

"Typical male approach kick first don't bother asking questions later."

"I suppose the first thing which comes in to your head when you see a shoe box on wheels running towards you is; Oh I wonder if the dear little thing talks."

"It's pointless arguing about it now, but if it happens again let me handle it, okay?"

"That's fine with me."

"Good, shall we step outside?"

"Be my guest, if you can figure out how to open the door."

"It's probably automatic," said Alice and stepped towards the door, the door hissed open, she turned back to Andrew, bowed theatrically and walked into the next room. Andrew followed close behind.

"Wow!" said Andrew.

"Jesus Christ!" said Alice. "Where are we?"

They were in another small room, not much larger than the last one, but this one was very different. The room was dimly lit, so the first thing they noticed was a large window at the front of the cabin, on either side of it were a pair of floral curtains. Shining through the window were a myriad stars, the stars were brighter and more distinct than Andrew or Alice had ever seen them before. In front of the window were two large and extensively padded chairs.

"Look at that!" said Andrew still awed by the expanse of stars.

"I am, but where are we?"

"In space!"

"But look," said Alice jumping up and down, "there's gravity."

"Hmmm," said Andrew absently.

"And if you think this is a rocket; where are the controls?"

"Hmmm"

"There aren't even any switches or flashing lights."

"Hmmm?"

"Hello, hello, wake up, speak to me!"

"Oh sorry, it's fantastic isn't it?" said Andrew coming to life again.

"It's very pretty."

"No you don't understand; this is my childhood dream."

"Oh great, I'm stuck with a closet Space‑Kidette. You'll be able to defend me from the bug‑eyed monsters, will you?"

"Let's hope we don't meet any," laughed Andrew. "Anyway you're wrong; there is one switch," he said and pointed to the wall.

"That's just a light switch."

"Well it's all we've got," said Andrew, he reached over and flicked the switch down.

Instantly the room brightened and a low humming sound started.

"About time!" boomed a voice.

"Alex?" said Andrew looking around.

"Who else?" boomed the voice again.

"Hey, where are you?"

"I'm all around you."

"Wow, you really lost out this time; what's it like being a wall?"

"I'm the whole ship, dimwit."

"All right, all right, there's no need to shout," said Andrew.

"Sorry," said a less booming voice.

"You see, I said it wasn't a rocket," said Alice.

"I'm a spaceship, what happened? Did you two get hit on the head or something?"

"I did," admitted Andrew.

"Aw, what nasty person hit my poor little precious," mocked Alice.

"I think it's better if I don't tell you," said Andrew. "What happened to you?"

"Did you ever run into a major jerk‑off called Rampard?" asked Alice.

"Yes," groaned Alex and Andrew in unison.

"The creep suggested I become a Reporter's moll, when I refused he sent me to, what he called, the Land of the Endless Dream‑Time. But instead I've ended up here, or is this it?"

"So," said Andrew, "you've only just arrived, that's odd, I've been through one or maybe two dreams already."

"Yeah," said Alex, "I saw you in one of them, you were playing Demolition Derby - by yourself. Anyway it's good to see you both again."

"Yeah, well it would be good to see you again too, if we could," said Alice.

"You can, I'm all around you, I know it's weird but I am the ship or at least that's what it feels like."

"What was that thing which attacked us in the other room?" asked Andrew.

"Oh it attacked you, did it? I suppose it tried to suck you to death."

"Eh?"

"That vicious device that you so brutally assaulted is a vacuum cleaner, I sent it in to see if you had arrived yet, the poor thing will never be the same, thanks to you its dust sucking days are over."

"Ah ... well we weren't to know, it could have been anything," said Andrew.

"So you can't see us?" said Alice as she sat down in one of the chairs.

"I can now, I can't see into the sleeping cabin and I can only see in this room when the light is on," said Alex and then added with a chuckle, "by the way, that's a very nice breast you've got there, if you don't mind me saying so. Is that your good side, or is the other even better?"

"To the best of my knowledge they are both the same and no I don't mind you saying so. Though, it astounds me how men can spend ninety percent of their time thinking about sex and still manage to successfully dominate women."

"Just a knack, I guess," said Andrew.

"So what the hell are we doing here? Have you managed to find out anything Alex?"

"Yes for the past week I've-"

"Week?" said Alice.

"Let's not go into this again," said Andrew hastily.

"Anyway, I think you should know that we appear to be in a certain amount of trouble."

"How certain an amount?" asked Alice.

"This ship is stolen; the hold is full of Orgasmo‑Thrill, an illegal drug, and we are surrounded by police ships."

"What! Why didn't you tell us before?" said Andrew.

"They've only just arrived."

"Put the force shields on full power and take evasive action," commanded Andrew.

"What's a force shield?" asked Alex.

"You mean we haven't got any?" exclaimed Andrew.

"I don't think so. What do they look like?"

"Well, never mind; just take evasive action."

"I told you we're surrounded, completely surrounded. Now, if we were partially surrounded, things might be different, but-"

"All right then patch me through to the commander of the lead ship."

"What is all this drivel you keep coming out with? Obviously walking around with your ass hanging out of your trousers has chilled your brain."

"I want to speak to whoever is in charge of those ships and while you're at it put one of their ships on the main view screen," said Andrew tersely.

"We haven't got a main view screen - can't you just look out of the window?"

"Oh good grief, can you at least get someone on the radio?"

"I'm talking to the Inspector's secretary now."

"Well, what does she say?"

"Sexist," hissed Alice.

"She says the Inspector is very busy right now, and could we call back later; however there is a Sergeant Yarrow who seems eager for a quick word."

"Well put him on."

A section of the wall next to Andrew slid to one side revealing a telephone which began to ring.

"What kind of ship is this? Can't I see him on a TV screen or something?"

"Why on earth would you want to see him? I'm sure he looks like any other policeman. Just answer the phone will you."

Andrew lifted the receiver.

"Hello, Sergeant Yarrow isn't it? ... Yes that's right I'm Andrew Smith ... Yes she's here too ... But look here Sergeant we haven't stood trial ... Oh I see an On‑The‑Spot fine system ... How much! ... Just a second." Andrew placed his hand over the mouth piece, "um Alex, do we have two thousand Federation credits."

"No, but we would've if we'd managed to sell this drug on the black market."

"Ah hello Sergeant, we don't have it in cash but ... No I suppose not ... you're going to what? ... but that's impossible, isn't it ... no of course you wouldn't ... all right then, um thanks ... goodbye." Andrew hung up the telephone.

"Well?" said Alice.

"You'd better put your seat belt on, we're being transported. They're sending us to an uncharted galaxy from which, to quote Sergeant Yarrow, we can never return! It's quite exciting really."

"Why didn't you tell him we were innocent?" said Alice.

"Oh ... I didn't think of that! Policemen always have that effect on me, I feel guilty even when I'm not."

Suddenly the window turned a familiar pastel shade of orange and then, almost immediately, reverted to a black background speckled with bright pin‑points of light.

"The police have gone," said Alex.

"I think you'll find that it's us who've gone," advised Andrew.

"So Einstein was wrong!" said Alex with delight.

"How so?" asked Alice.

"We must have travelled faster than light to get so far away so quickly," explained Alex.

"Yeah, Einstein said that as we approached the speed of light we would become infinitely long or was it infinitely wide?" faltered Andrew.

"In your case he was right," said Alice, "you became infinitely thick. You seem to have forgotten that this is just a dream and, presumably, anything can happen."

"Well it's a pretty disappointing dream," complained Andrew. "Where are the Laser guns, the Photon torpedoes, the Aliens? All we've got is a window and a telephone."

"You've got me," said Alex, "a cybernetic spaceship. What more could you want?"

"Well it's your dream," said Alice as she swung her chair around to face Andrew, "what are we going to do?"

"Let's go find some aliens," said Andrew, cheerful now he had decided to enjoy himself. "Ship?"

"Are you talking to me?" said Alex curtly. "If so, my name is Alexander not Ship."

"No, no, no," said Andrew, "we've got to do this properly, I call you Ship and you call me Captain, so when I say; Ship?, you say; Ready Captain, or something like that, and try to make your voice sound more mechanical."

"Hey what about me?" said Alice. "How come you get to be Captain?"

"Because it was my idea. You can be the first officer."

"Oh, all right then, but I want a turn at being Captain."

"Okay, it's a deal. Ship?"

"Ready for your instructions, Captain," grated a metallic voice.

"Great," said Andrew. "Locate the nearest planet capable of sustaining intelligent life‑forms."

"Insufficient data to perform request," said the ship.

"What?" said Andrew.

"All these stars look alike to me, how am I supposed to tell which ones have intelligent life?"

"No deep‑space scanner eh?" said Andrew, "well pick any one then."

"What about that pretty reddish one over there?" said Alice pointing out of the window.

"Yeah, good thinking, Number One. Ship, make a course for that pretty reddish one, over there."

"Affirmative, Captain. Instruction logged, process commencing ... now!"

Andrew was thrown violently back in his chair, there was a hippopotamus sitting on his chest and all the skin on his face was trying to crawl around to the back of his head. Almost immediately the sensation stopped.

"Oh, er, sorry about that," said Alex, "was that a bit too fast?"

"Jesus!" said Alice, "don't do that again!", her chair had swung around to face the back of the cabin and she had almost been cut in two by the seat‑belts.

"I wouldn't," said Alex, "look out of the-"

"Aarrgghh," cried Andrew clutching his eyes in pain.

"Window," completed Alex lamely.

Blazing through the window, with the intensity of a misdirected flashgun on a dark night, was a large reddish orb.

"Can't you filter that?" said Andrew with his arm wrapped around his head to protect his eyes and a large green after‑image still burning his retinas.

"Uh, no, you could pull the curtains. Oh wait a minute there are some sun‑glasses in the left arm of each chair," said Alex.

With the aid of the almost opaque sun‑glasses Andrew and Alice were able to bear the glare of the window and examine the solar system they were approaching. There were five planets in all; they appeared as crescents of white light arranged at various distances from the central sun. They were all in the same plane like bits of onion stuck to a frying pan; the ship swooped down towards the fried tomato in the centre.

"Um, Alex," said Andrew nervously, "we seem to be heading for the sun."

"I know, I can see it," said Alex irritated by Andrew's lack of faith, "I'm going to swing around it, that should slow us down."

"Isn't that dangerous," said Alice, "what about the radiation?"

"It's just a dream," said Alex, "or are you afraid you're going to wake up dead?"

"Very funny," said Alice dryly, "I think we should at least pull the curtains."

The sun reached out an invisible gravitational hand and caught the ship as it passed by. Like a ball on a string the ship swung around the boiling fiery surface and the flew off towards the planets as if the string had suddenly been cut, passing close to the largest planet the ship was caught again, but this time the hand of gravity did not let go and the ship went into orbit around the green and blue sphere.

"Wow," said Andrew, with real admiration, "nice flying."

"Yeah," said Alice, "it went like a dream."

"Oh, don't thank me," said Alex with unusual modesty, "thank heaven."

"Okay then," said Andrew eagerly, "where's the teleport?"

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