chapter twenty‑nine

The next day, they met at midday, outside the railway station.

"Did you manage to silver‑tongue anyone into shelling out something for the flat?" asked Andrew when Alex joined them.

"Couldn't convince anyone that I was the owner, but I got fifty Credits for the key, from an insurance salesman. How much did you get for your bodies?"

"I got the full four hundred, but they knocked fifty off Alice because she's colour blind," explained Andrew. "Did you get a map?"

"No I didn't have time. Isn't there one here?"

"There is but either it's topological or the distance between two stations is directly related to the length of their names. There's no scale anyway, so I can't tell how far away the coast is. We decided to head for a place called Seaport."

"That sounds like a reasonably safe bet. What's the name of the nearest place in that direction?"

"Volgendstad."

"That's where we're going."

"Huh?"

"When we buy the tickets; that's where we're going."

"Oh I see, yeah, good idea."

Andrew walked over to the window of the ticket office. Inside, he could see a small man sitting with his back to the window, reading a newspaper. Andrew tapped lightly on the window with his knuckles. The man jumped, took a moment to calm himself and then turned around to face the window. He was wearing a dark blue uniform with red piping around the cuffs and lapels. Perched on the end of his button‑nose was a pair of small, round glasses. He wore the glasses in such a way that, in order to look through them, he was forced to tilt his head backwards and squint. This was how he now regarded Andrew.

"It's to the left on platform one," pre‑empted the man and turned back to his newspaper.

"Wha- ... oh, no, I'd like to buy some tickets."

The small man folded his newspaper, with little attempt to hide his annoyance, stepped over to the window and peered up at Andrew.

"What was that?"

"I said I'd like to buy some tickets," said Andrew patiently.

"Tickets!" exclaimed the man, startled for a second. "Oh yes, of course, tickets." The man began searching through the drawers that were fitted into his side of the counter.

"I'd like three, please."

"Three, eh? Three tickets. Ah, yes, here we are," the man pushed three coloured pieces of cardboard through the gap between the window and the counter.

Andrew waited expectantly.

"Anything else?" asked the man.

"Well, don't you want me to ... I mean can you tell me what time the next train leaves for Volgendstad?"

"Um ... can you spell that? Oh, no, don't bother, I expect I can find it." The man ran his finger along a chart mounted on the wall beside him, he checked his watch and smiled. "You're in luck, there's one due on platform two in three minutes."

"Okay, thanks very much," said Andrew as he hurried away to join the others.

"What overall effect has that transaction had on our current state of impecuniosity?" asked Alex.

"What?" said Andrew distracted from examining the tickets.

"How much were the tickets?" translated Alice.

"Nothing, I think the poor guy's brain had taken up the option of early retirement; he didn't even know the name of the next station. I felt so sorry for him I almost offered to pay. I'm a bit worried about the tickets though, there's nothing written on them."

"Hey!" said Alice pointing to a train standing at the platform, "is that our train?"

"Yeah, come on, run!" urged Andrew. He grabbed the bag containing their few worldly goods and sprinted towards platform two. Alice reached the train first, flung open one of the carriage doors and they all climbed in. The train was fairly full but they managed to find a group of four empty seats. Moments later the train lurched into motion and began to accelerate out of the station.

"This is fun," said Alice, "a trip to the seaside with the family, we've even got a picnic."

"I don't count a packet of biscuits and a can of beans as a picnic," grumbled Andrew, along with his stomach.

"Must I remind you that if it wasn't for your over‑zealous materialistic nature we wouldn't be in this mess?" chided Alex.

The train was now whizzing through the dilapidated suburbs. The houses which backed onto the railway‑line were packed tightly together in long terraces. Occasionally, children playing in the unkempt gardens paused to wave at the passing train.

Ten minutes later, according to the device strapped to Andrew's wrist, the train pulled in to a station. Signs positioned all along the platform declared them to be in Volgendstad. A few people left the train, and a few others scrambled on struggling with large bags.

"Well if this is the average time between stations, it will take us another two hours to get to Seaport," said Andrew.

"Oh good, just time for a quick nap," said Alice happily. "And don't go eating the biscuits while I'm asleep," she warned.

It wasn't long before the warm afternoon sun shining through the window and the gentle rhythm of the train conspired to send them all off to sleep.

Andrew was woken up, about an hour later, by Alex's elbow digging in his ribs.

"Uh, oh are we there?" asked Andrew. He looked out the window; the station looked much the same as the previous one except that this one was cleaner and decorated with a few potted shrubs and flowers.

"No, we're not," said Alex. "Just remember the name of this town."

"What, Geendorp?" asked Andrew reading the name from a sign. "You woke me up just to remember the name of this town?" he added angrily.

"Just wait, you'll see."

The train was now almost three‑quarters empty, most of the remaining passengers were restless as if they would soon be leaving too. The train began to pull jerkily out of the station and woke Alice in the process.

"Are we nearly there, Dad, are we, huh are we?" she said bouncing up and down on the seat in imitation of childish impatience.

"Now settle down or I'll have to put you over my knee," said Alex grinning with lecherous anticipation.

"We're playing a little memory game," said Andrew irritably. "Alex couldn't bear to play on his own, so he woke me up too."

"Oooh goody goody a game, how do you play?"

"The rules are very simple: when the train pulls into a station, like we are now," said Andrew glancing out of the window, "all you have to do is look out of the window and ... shit!"

"Yuk, what a nasty game, and what a nasty boy," said Alice in a child‑like voice.

"We're going round in circles!" said Andrew.

"What?" said Alice.

"Look, this is Geendorp, but we left Geendorp five minutes ago."

"And five minutes before that we left it again, or is it before? Well, whatever, we've now been through this place four times since I woke up," said Alex.

"But look," said Alice, "there are people getting off, if we had been here before, they would have got off the first time. Oh wait a minute, I get it," Alice settled back into her seat smiling, "the boys are having a jolly jape at Alice's expense - well I'm not that dumb."

"But it's true!" protested Andrew.

"Just remember the name of this station and then wait five minutes," suggested Alex.

Five minutes later.

"My god, we are going round in circles! But that's absurd, why are these stupid people only just getting off?"

"Maybe there's a war on," said Alex inspecting the carriage to see if there was anyone left.

"Are you suggesting that, if there was a war on, it would be quite legitimate for a train to go around in circles?" said Andrew sarcastically.

The train pulled out of the station again, leaving them alone in the carriage.

"When there's a war on, they take down all the road signs so that any spies or escaped prisoners can't find their way around. It would be even more confusing for them if all the stations had the same name."

"So how do we know when to get off?" asked Alice.

"That's easy," said Andrew, "Seaport is at the end of the line. But surely we would have heard if there was a war going on."

While they discussed all of the possibilities, and a lot of the impossibilities, the train passed through Geendorp another four times.

"Oh this is crazy," said Alice. "Come on, let's get off and ask someone what the hell is going on."

"Hurry up then or we'll miss our station," laughed Andrew.

They got off the train and then stood on the platform watching as the train rumbled out of the station. They were surrounded by acres and acres of rolling wheat‑fields which stretched to the horizon in all directions. The railway line was a single track which ran from east to west as far as the eye could see, parallel to it was a small road.

The station master's office was deserted, as was the rest of the station.

"Something tells me we should have stayed on the train," said Alex as he sat down on the edge of the platform, his legs dangling down towards the track. Andrew joined him, while Alice continued to pace up and down the platform behind their backs.

"Maybe it'll come back again," said Andrew.

"If it does, there isn't much point in getting on it, is there?" pointed out Alice.

"Anybody got any ideas?" asked Alex.

"Yes," said Andrew decisively, "let's eat the biscuits."

Alice sat down beside the two men and they shared out the biscuits.

"You'd think they would at least have a timetable."

"Or someone on duty."

"Or a map."

"Or a telephone."

"Or a chocolate machine."

"Can you see something down there?" asked Alice who had been staring into the distance for some time. She pointed along the track to the east.

"Yes, I think so; it's hard to tell with the heat haze coming off the track," said Andrew.

"It could be just a mirage," said Alex.

"It could be a train," said Alice.

"Put your ear on the rail and see if you can hear anything," suggested Andrew.

"Do it yourself, Tonto," said Alice.

Andrew jumped down onto the track. "It's not electric, is it?" he asked anxiously.

"No," said Alex.

Andrew tentatively lowered his head to one of the rails and placed his ear on the cool metal surface.

"There you see, I was right," said Alex as if he had just won a bet at twenty to one against. "It's not electric."

"Well, can you hear anything?" asked Alice.

"Yeah," said Andrew standing up again, "I can hear the sea."

"Very funny, any trains?"

"Nope."

They waited for several minutes, each one squinting intently down the track, but the shimmering blob on the horizon showed no sign of movement.

"It could be another station," suggested Alex.

"Hey, look there's one down that way too," said Andrew pointing along the track in the other direction.

"Pity," said Alex.

"Why?"

"Now we have to make a decision. If there was only one, we'd know which one to walk to. I suppose we could just pretend we haven't seen the other one."

"Walk to? It's rather a long way, isn't it?" said Andrew.

"Come on," Alex jumped down onto the track and began walking to the east.

"There you see," said Andrew turning to Alice, "it only takes one assertive person and democracy goes right out of the window."

"Come on," said Alice following Alex down the track.

"Of course, it's worse with two," mumbled Andrew as he turned to follow the others.

As they walked, the shimmering blob began to resolve itself into a series of shimmering lines which in turn became a shimmering railway station. By the time they had reached the station it had stopped shimmering altogether.

"Well, well, well, what a surprise; this one's called Geendorp too," said Alex.

"At least we know now the train wasn't going around in circles," said Andrew.

"Do we?" posed Alice sceptically.

Alex jumped up onto the platform and walked over to the litter bin which was attached to the wall of the ticket office. "What, would you say, is the probability of someone eating exactly the same kind of biscuits as we did and then dropping the wrapper in a very similar bin to the one that I dropped our wrapper in?"

"I would say," said Alice as she climbed onto the platform, "that they were on a par with the likelihood of being able to walk in a straight line for three miles and end up back where you started."

"I would say," said Andrew sitting on the edge of the platform, "that it's time to open that can of beans."

"You're not going to eat them cold?" said Alice in disgust.

"I most certainly am."

"Well, I'm not going to hang around to watch," said Alice jumping back down to the track. "I'm going to try an experiment. If I'm not back in an hour, you'd better come after me." She turned and began walking eastwards down the track, towards the next shimmering blob.

"Don't be too long," called Andrew, "it's getting dark."

He was right. The sun had begun to toy with the idea of setting. In preparation, it had grown into a large red disk poised above the horizon. The ocean of swaying wheat had chosen from the same colour‑chart and turned into a rippling carpet of red‑gold.

By the time Andrew had managed to open the can of beans, all that could be seen of Alice was a small hazy blob moving towards a slightly larger hazy blob.

"Look," said Alex pointing back down the track, in the opposite direction to the way Alice had gone.

A small hazy blob had detached itself from a slightly larger hazy blob on the horizon.

"I won't," said Andrew, "I've spent my whole life building up, and refining, certain basic facts about life. In times of stress when people around me are behaving unpredictably, I can reassure myself with the knowledge that whilst human nature is, to me, a complete mystery, the common laws of physics will never let me down. Nor have they, and I refuse to witness any evidence to the contrary."

"Watch this," said Alex gleefully, he waved his hand high in the air, both of the small moving blobs waved back.

"I'm not looking," said Andrew resolutely.

A few minutes later one of the small hazy blobs became indistinguishable from the larger hazy blob, and the other turned into Alice jogging along the track towards them. She arrived breathless and excited.

"Wow," she panted. "That was bizarre! Could you see two of me?"

"Yeah, it was really weird. I'm going to have a go," said Alex eagerly. "Be sure and wave when I get half way." He ran off down the track.

"Good grief," said Andrew, "here we are in the middle of the biggest shake‑up to physics since an apple fell on someone's head and you two treat it like a hall of mirrors."

The sun took a deep breath, which made it fatten around the middle, and dived over the horizon. When Alex returned it was twilight and some of the more enthusiastic stars had begun to appear.

"Well then," began Alex, joining Andrew and Alice on one of the wooden benches which were dotted along the platform. "Shall we go back or shall we go on?"

"Back?" said Andrew.

"On?" said Alice.

"Yes, back or on, back to the city or on to somewhere else."

"How can we go back?" said Andrew, "I thought we were stuck in some kind of loop."

"Oh I don't think so," said Alex, "I think if we walk west, instead of east like we've been trying to do, we'll get back to Volgendstad - or whatever it's called. We're only being stopped here because we're trying to walk off the edge of the map."

"So the world really is flat after all?" said Andrew in a disappointed tone.

"Well this one seems to be."

"Why have you changed your mind about wanting to stay here?" asked Alice.

"Because," said Alex, "I think that maybe your theory about there being a fixed number of somewhere elses for us to go through is right. If we were supposed to stay here I'm sure They/Him/Her/It would have made the place a bit bigger."

"Oh my god," said Andrew clutching his head as if to prevent it from exploding. "Is nothing stable in this world? First the basic laws of common sense breakdown and then, as if that wasn't earth shattering enough, Alex admits he may have been wrong!"

"There, there," said Alice patting Andrew's shoulder reassuringly. "One day you'll look back on all this and have a nervous breakdown."

"Couldn't I have one now?"

"No, I'm sorry there isn't time."

"If you two could be serious for a moment," said Alex, who was being. "It will soon be pitch black, so if we want to go back to the city we should leave now."

"I don't have any desire to go back and be intimidated by an over‑assertive insurance salesman," said Andrew.

"Salesperson," corrected Alice.

"The assassin wasn't too bad," continued Andrew, "at least I knew him, but to be terrorized by a total stranger is just too much for my delicate ego."

"Hah, your ego is so fragile" scoffed Alex, "an unkind look from a photograph could shatter it."

"All right then, we're off," said Alice hoping to prevent an argument. "Let's get a move on before it gets too cold."

"Okay, but no sneaking away without us this time," said Andrew looking pointedly at Alex.

"I tried to tell you last time, but it all happened so quickly. By the time I'd thought of a way of explaining it succinctly, you'd been washed away by the flood."

"The flood?" queried Andrew.

"Didn't you have the flood?"

"No, we had a sort of an earthquake thing. All the ground was cracking up," said Andrew, and Alice nodded in agreement.

"Doesn't sound as good as the flood; this enormous wave swept down the plain and engulfed everything in its path - most impressive."

"If you'd spent less time admiring the view and more time talking to us we might have been able to go surfing with you," scolded Alice.

"You're probably right, but it's very hard to concentrate when there's a three hundred foot high wall of water charging at you."

"Okay, okay," said Andrew. "Let's review what we've learnt about this place, why don't you start, Alex? You've been here the longest."

Alex stood up and paced to and fro in front of the bench. He leant forward and held his hands behind his back. As he walked, he slapped the back of one hand into the palm of the other.

"Well, men," he said, trying to imitate the voice of an old general, but sounding more like an old witch. "As you know, I've been holed up here for over a week, waiting for you new recruits to show up, and it's given me time to study what we're up against."

"When shall we three meet again?" croaked Alice.

But Alex ignored her, "I have to tell you this, men," he said looking deliberately at Alice, "it's not going to be easy, oh no. This time we're up against the big one, that's right, men, I'm talking about CAP‑IT‑A‑LISM. In my book, that's always a tough one to beat, and I can assure you I have a very comprehensive book. Now I know that there are those that would argue that capitalism is unfair and un‑caring, but what those pansy pinko commies always forget is that man himself is unfair and un‑caring. And so I believe, along with many others, that capitalism has been custom-built for the human race. In the words of that immortal song, whose name escapes me, Let the punishment fit the crime. And fit it does! But," Alex paused as if summoning his strength to continue, "as if that wasn't enough, we are up against no ordinary capitalism. Oh no sir‑ee, we are fighting a hybrid, a form of capitalism so advanced that even quantum mechanics cannot explain it. The foe that we face, together, tonight, is a very deadly combination of capitalism and purpose. No longer can people cry out in dismay; But what is the point of being incredibly rich? Wouldn't I be equally happy with just enough money?, Why do I need three cars?, and Shouldn't I at least pay a little tax? No, all these questions have been answered. They need money to achieve their goal and they need their goal in order to die feeling satisfied and fulfilled. What more could anyone ask? What more indeed? That is the question that we must answer so that we can crush our enemy, and once more sally forth into an unknown adventure. I see glum faces amongst you, but fear not. Haven't I, your General, led you to victory before? I have, and I can do it again. So now, I implore you to join me, and take a long hard look at the enemy, for it is only by discovering its Achilles heel that we can stand on the foot of capitalism and break its toe‑hold on our lives!"

"Oh what a sole‑full speech!" said Alice clasping her hands together rapturously.

"Yes, it was an outstanding feet of oration," added Andrew.

General Alexander the Great cleared his throat and waited for his troops to stop giggling uncontrollably. "We must examine in the minutest detail the very fabric of this society; we must comb every thread for the hidden flaw. That flaw exists just as surely as pain follows a trip to the dentist. And when we find this flaw, this chink in the armour of capitalism, we must quickly hold it up for all to see, so that we might travel together along the unknown path of destiny to whatever new world awaits us."

"Uh, General?" said Andrew, interrupting the rhetoric.

"Yes, quickly man, say it," said Alex urgently.

"I need to take a piss. Do you mind holding off act two until I get back?"

"That's the trouble with draftees - no bladder," said Alex shaking his head sadly as Andrew disappeared behind the ticket office.

When Andrew returned, Alex was lying sprawled over the top of Alice. They were both dead.

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