chapter nineteen

He awoke to the sound of a cock crowing, he sat up, with difficulty, and rested on one elbow. He was on a bed, his hand was bandaged from the wrist to his finger tips. Judging by the stiffness of his ankle and back, he guessed that they too were heavily bandaged. The sun was shining through a gap in the curtains on to the face of a man who sprawled in a chair. The man was snoring vigorously through his large, hooked nose.

"Pssssst," hissed Andrew.

"Wha ... mmmm?" muttered the man, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Oooooh," he added massaging his leg as if it was numb.

"Good morning," said Andrew.

The man's bleary eyes focused on Andrew, and his face lit up with a huge friendly grin, "Andrew!"

"Yes," replied Andrew as if it were a question. "But I'm afraid I don't ... well, that is, I seem to have forgotten ... who are you?" he blurted having given up trying to phrase it tactfully.

"You mean you don't recognize me?" asked the man, still grinning but now in amusement. But he wasn't able to contain himself any longer, "It's me, Fred."

"Fred!" exclaimed Andrew, "Fred the parrot?"

"Yep."

"Really?" said Andrew skeptically. "But you're dead, I saw you in the swimming‑pool, you went to heaven, you can't be Fred."

"But I am. Fred the parrot, Fred the Adviser, and now Fred the man! What do you think of the new body?"

"It really is you, isn't it?" said Andrew ignoring the question. "God, it's good to see you again. But how did you get here?"

"The same way as you, I should think, I solved the problem."

"Problem? What are you talking about?" asked Andrew, perplexed.

"What happened just before you came here?" said Fred waving his arms to imply the whole world.

"Um, I was drowning in a pavement," said Andrew still finding it hard to believe.

"No, before that. What did you think?"

"My god, this woman is growing taller - or something like that."

"No, no, before anything peculiar started to happen," said Fred impatiently.

"I don't remember ... no hang on ... something didn't make sense, yes that was it; I was trying to work out why, if everyone was supposed to be a goody‑goody Christian, so many people were still living such shitty lives."

"Exactly, I worked that out over a week ago, while you were feeding your face in the restaurant. I asked Graham what the statistics were on the number of people who had signed God's contract, he said that over ninety percent of the population were Believers, although some refused to admit it. So then the anomaly became apparent; how could you have a servant, like Graham, in a society which was supposed to be all‑caring?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, let's not exaggerate, you didn't solve it a week before me, it was only the day before yesterday," said Andrew annoyed by Fred's superior tone.

"Really? That's strange, I've been here a week, still that's not important," said Fred anxious to explain his theory. "You remember the first place, just before everything started to melt; I told you why the badge system couldn't work. So you see; every time we spot the fault we get moved on, as soon as we solve one problem we're given another."

"Yeah, I see, kind of a what's‑wrong‑with‑this‑picture game. But who's behind it? What's the point? And how do we get out of it?"

"God knows," said Fred in despair.

"I don't think he does, and if the Devil did he's probably forgotten by now. The poor old codger is getting a bit doddery, but he seemed like quite a reasonable fellow."

"Well, he would wouldn't he?"

"That's what God said."

"Well, he would, wouldn't he?"

"Look," said Andrew, aggravated, "I'm getting sick of this smart‑aleck attitude of yours."

"Well, you would, wouldn't you?" grinned Fred. "No, wait," he said hastily as if trying to stall Andrew's inevitable outburst. "I'm sorry. It's this new body, it's come complete with a few unpleasant character traits. I've managed to exorcise most of them, but the I'm‑better‑than‑you instinct is very strong."

"I don't know how you've got the nerve - in a crummy body like that," said Andrew bitchily.

"There you see, you've got it too!"

Andrew smiled, guiltily. "So how does it feel to be a Homo Sap'?"

"Pretty good, I'm still getting used to it, the first couple of days were a bit rough, I had to pretend I was ill."

"Why, what was the problem?"

"Same one as I had when I was a parrot."

"Oh Fred, you didn't-"

"Yes, in bed," said Fred wincing from the memory.

"But surely you must have felt it coming."

"I was getting the signals all right, but I couldn't judge how urgent they were, I guess it comes with experience."

"Yeah, I did it in my pants once, I'd just started school, I was so embarrassed I didn't dare tell anyone. I sat in it for an hour, waiting for the bell to go. I finally told my mother on the way home, she made me go into the bushes and empty it out. It's amazing what an effect that kind of ordeal has on you - it was two years before I had the confidence to start farting again; it destroyed my credibility in the play‑ground."

"It shook me up too, I started to worry about all my other bodily functions, even the automatic ones; should I be blinking more often, was I breathing fast enough, or deeply enough - I passed out twice from hyperventilation. I think I've got the hang of it now, the occasional sneeze still takes me by surprise, but all‑in‑all it's a distinct improvement on being a parrot."

"Yes," said Andrew, "the opposable thumb comes in very handy."

"Don't try to palm me off with second‑hand humour," said Fred grinning. "But I think the biggest surprise was the orgasm - it doesn't matter how many biology textbooks you read they can never prepare you for the real thing."

"Oh, have you been experimenting by yourself, or have you had assistance?"

"I've been lucky enough to have expert tuition."

"Do I detect a hint of romance in the air?"

"Well," began Fred smiling bashfully, "as a matter of fact there is a woman here who's rather nice."

"Rather nice in bed."

"Don't be so cynical, there's more to it than just sex."

"Yes I'm sorry, I'm probably just jealous. This is your first time, isn't it?" Andrew's eyes took on a far‑away look, "I can remember my first girl‑friend ... oh no I can't ... well, I can remember the gist of it, all very romantic, passionate, exciting and ... pathetic."

"Now don't spoil it for me," chided Fred.

"No I'm just kidding, it's good fun, enjoy it."

"Thanks, I'll do my best," said Fred sardonically.

"Apart from falling in love what have you been up to?" said Andrew steering the conversation to what he hoped were calmer waters.

"Working the land!" said Fred with mock pride. "This place is a kind of wild west commune; it-" he was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in," he called cheerfully.

A young woman stepped into the room, her dark brown hair hung loosely down to her shoulders, she had a full, but not chubby, face and an ample body to match, she wore a denim skirt with a white cotton blouse. She could easily have been type‑cast as 'The Girl Next Door' or 'The Farmer's Daughter', had there been anyone interested in a re‑make of the Waltons. Andrew would have described her as being attractive but not stunning. Fred would have described her, and frequently did, as the most beautiful creature ever to have walked the earth.

"Kate," said Fred with a look of adoration that made Andrew cringe, "I'd like you to meet Andrew, a very good friend of mine."

"Aha," said the woman smiling. "So this is the mysterious stranger who combats bears by pandering to their sweet tooth."

"Unfortunately I can't claim any points for the subtlety of the trick, it was not a premeditated ploy. I'm just a city‑boy, my knowledge of self‑defence is sadly lacking, even when it comes down to the bear essentials."

"What's a city?" asked Kate.

"City is the name of our commune," said Fred quickly, he gave Andrew a don't‑say‑any‑more‑just‑follow‑my‑lead look. "Way down south we don't have any bears, you know."

"That's right, no bears down south," confirmed Andrew. "Lots of lions though, and crocodiles - hundreds of the damn things."

"Yeah, thanks Andrew, I'm sure Kate isn't interested in what it's like down south," said Fred, trying to stop Andrew's flight of fantasy before it reached orbit.

"Oh Fred, you know that isn't true, I love those stories you tell about the dragons," contradicted Kate.

Andrew tried to stifle his involuntary guffaw by turning it into a cough, unfortunately the end result sounded very much like a belch.

"Oh you poor thing," said Kate sympathetically. "You must be starving, I'll make you some breakfast right away."

Before Andrew had a chance to apologize she had left the room, gently closing the door after her.

Andrew and Fred looked at each other and burst into laughter.

"That was her?" asked Andrew once the giggles had subsided.

"That was her. What did you think?"

"She seems very nice, very friendly, warm and kind," said Andrew hoping he wasn't overdoing the praise, but keen to please Fred.

"A little ... um ... simple?" questioned Fred.

"No, not at all."

"Well she is, they all are. It's hard to describe; they're not stupid by any means, but they're basic - uncomplicated. When I first arrived they didn't trust me at all, practically had me under armed guard. But now; they're warm and generous, they have complete faith in me as a person and as part of the commune. It's as if their trust has only two settings; full on, or full off. Living here, even for just a week, has given me an wonderful sense of being loved and needed."

"Yuk,"

"What do you mean, Yuk?" said Fred scowling.

"I don't know, it all sounds a bit slushy, a bit over‑sentimental. Words like; warm and generous, loved and needed, they're straight out of a romantic novel for starry‑eyed teenagers. They're cliches, stripped of sincerity by film‑stars at award ceremonies."

"Not here, they're not. They may have become hackneyed in your world, but here they're genuine - untainted by hypocrisy," said Fred. "They aren't the only words you'll have to get used to. Achievement, fulfilment, satisfaction and pride are all here too - just waiting for you to experience them."

"I've seen where your satisfaction comes from, but how do you get the others?"

"Don't talk about Kate like that," said Fred coldly.

"Sorry I forgot you were in love, mind you, if you are, I don't think you should be telling her lies."

"I don't tell her any new ones, when I first arrived I got a bit carried away - trying to impress her - you know. Besides, I don't know if I am in love, I haven't been human long enough to work out what love is."

"No, me neither," said Andrew. "But what about your proud achievement of fulfilment?"

"That comes from our work. Everything that we need to live is created with our own hands, we build, we sow, we reap. It really is a very rewarding life‑style."

"You seem fairly impressed."

"I'm very happy here, this is a marvellous place, and for the first time I've got a real body - okay it's not beautiful, but it works. Give the place a chance. I guarantee, once you've settled‑in, you'll love it too."

"Okay, okay, I'm sold, I'm tired of being picked up and thrown down in some crazy mixed‑up world, I think I'll take a rest and enjoy this one."

"Good, just remember, don't look for faults, and if you find any, don't talk to me about them. And be careful what you say to the others, don't mention anything which clearly doesn't belong here."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, an electric toothbrush, or something like that."

"What made you think of that?" asked Andrew suddenly suspicious.

"It was the first thing that came into my head."

"Mmmm," said Andrew thoughtfully. "All right, I promise I won't discuss anything more sophisticated than the wheel."

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