chapter fifteen

Andrew made his way through the hard, driving rain and wind, which had started as soon as he stepped out of the office. Half an hour later he was back in the sun, on the south side of the island. He lay down on the hot sand, and waited for the warm breeze to dry his clothes.

Andrew was in the process of rolling over to allow his back to dry, when he noticed a tall figure striding stiffly towards him across the sand.

"Good afternoon Sir," said Graham when he was within earshot.

"Hi, Graham. I'm sorry if I was too hard on you this morning."

"Not at all Sir. Sir was justifiably upset at my irresponsible actions."

"No you shouldn't blame yourself, it was an innocent mistake. Let's just forget about it. Now what brings you out in this tropical heat wearing the uniform of a head waiter," teased Andrew.

"I came to inform Sir that Sir's plane will be leaving in two hours."

"Plane?"

"Sadly, Sir's holiday is over. It is time for Sir to take his place in society, however I believe God is planning to call before Sir leaves."

"Oh," said Andrew, disappointed.

"Sir does not cherish the idea of a conversation with the Almighty?"

"Sir does not cherish the idea of leaving this beautiful island," mimicked Andrew.

As they began walking back to the hotel, Andrew asked, "What's with this telephone racket? Wouldn't it be more impressive to meet Him face to face? Or is this an example of God working in mysterious ways?"

"No Sir, the Almighty has changed His tactics, He now performs His wonders under the full glare of the media's watchful eye, and usually accompanies them with a spectacular Laser show. He even has a Press Secretary on permanent stand‑by to answer any theological questions which might crop up. As for His use of the telephone, I believe this is done to prevent any unnecessary grooming."

"Grooming?"

"Yes Sir, I'm sure that people, when faced with an impending visit by the Lord God Almighty, would be inclined to tidy the house and put on their best clothes. Calling by phone forestalls this superfluous activity."

"But if He's omni‑everything, then he must know what a mess the house is."

"Indeed, Sir is perfectly correct, however, there is a profound psychological difference between the visible and the invisible presence. One can accept the fact that God knows, to the last atom, how much dust is on the mantlepiece, but it is quite something else to have Him there and running His finger through it."

"Yes, I see what you mean."

"There is also the matter of disillusionment. If one has been labouring under the impression that God is an elderly gentleman with white hair and a long flowing beard, it may be a little disconcerting to be confronted by a bald black‑woman with a very deep voice. Or vice versa. We all have our own preconceived idea of how he looks, so rather than rewrite Genesis he prefers to remain unseen."

"And I suppose it saves Him getting mobbed in restaurants," said Andrew.

"Sir would be well advised to adopt a less flippant attitude, the Lord is not noted for His appreciation of witticisms at His expense."

"He's not omni‑humoured, then?"

Graham raised a cautionary eyebrow. "Whilst it is true that God's methods have radically changed, it is still not unheard of for the occasional stray lightning‑bolt to appear - even in the most clement of weather."

"Oh, I see," said Andrew glancing apprehensively at the clear blue sky. "What about the Commandments? Are they still in force?"

"Yes, though they have had to be revised and extended to cope with the complications of modern‑day life. A lot of the loopholes have been removed and now, rather than being carved on stone tablets, they are etched onto semiconductor chips."

"So what are they now?"

"In order to remove any ambiguities they have had to be made far more specific; consequently, the actual number of commandments is now ten thousand. I can give you an example of one of the shorter ones. Thou shalt not pollute thy neighbours' environment - unless to do otherwise would increase the unemployment figures of the local community by a factor greater than five percent. But, of course, one does not have to remember any of the commandments, because God will be able to advise you over the phone."

Moments after their arrival at Andrew's suite the telephone rang. Andrew answered it.

"Hello Andrew, it's God here."

"Hello your Almightiness."

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Um, I don't know, is there?"

"Something about a certain person you visited today?"

"Oh you mean Henry."

"I mean the demon Satan," roared God. "You were fraternizing with the devil, a very dangerous pastime. Lucky for you that you hadn't signed the contract yet, you would have lost a lot of points."

"I was just checking out all the options."

"And what did you think?"

"Well he seemed like a nice enough guy."

"Hah!" snorted God. "What did you expect! Do you think he would show you his true evil nature. I suppose he told you some twisted science fiction story?"

"Well -"

"Aha, I knew it! And I'll bet he put on his dotty‑old‑man act."

"It didn't -"

"And he promised you all kinds of earthly pleasures?"

"He did mention -"

"And you believed him? Of course you did. Because he is the great deceiver, the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, the Antichr- the Antigod. How could you not believe someone with such power."

"But I didn't sell him my soul," said Andrew in his own defence.

"But you were tempted," stated God.

"Yes that's true, if he could have brought Fred back, hey I don't suppose you could? Have you got his soul?"

"Yes Fred is living here, in heaven, with me. But I can not restore him to life, it would set an undesirable precedent."

"But no one else need know," pleaded Andrew.

"I'm sorry, I have my scruples."

"Well, perhaps I could speak to him?"

"I'm sorry you'll have to go through the normal channels. I'm sure you realize that I don't have time to play switch‑board operator to all of the residents."

"No I guess not, what are the normal channels?"

"Well, you know, a medium or an Ouija board - something like that."

"You mean they actually work?"

"Well some of the mediums are a bit suspect, you have to shop carefully."

"I see."

"Now then Andrew," said God a much more serious tone in his voice. "What about the contract, you still haven't signed it?"

"No, not yet, I'm sure I will, but I'd like to think it over for a little longer."

"You'll lose your bonus ten percent discount," warned God.

"Yes I know, I'll just have to work harder at being a good charitable soul."

"You see, one short visit to the Devil and the seeds of doubt have been sown in your mind. Surely he hasn't corrupted your mind so much that you now question my existence?"

"Not your existence, just your motives," said Andrew surprised at his own daring.

"Oh Andrew ... Andrew," said God sorrowfully. "If only I'd stopped you from going. Now, because of my inaction, your soul is destined to burn forever in the agonizing fires of hell. But remember one thing, Andrew, I will always be here if you need me," and he hung up.

"Oh dear," said Andrew slowly shaking his head. "That could have been a big mistake."

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